Ok ok so I was not a normal child

While sitting calmly in the office not so long ago browsing the web, i came across some rather amusing articles about children and the things they do that either amuse or greatly frustrate parents. I remembered some of the things i did and could not see the harm in sharing hence the post. I was an exciting child, the James bond of children if you will, swinging from vines and home made devices to almost burning down the compound (yes compound not house) more than once. phew, if i have kids... *shudders* lord help us all.

So now when I was a child I used to imagine that if I put my finger on a place in a map, in the real world a large finger would break through the atmosphere and cover the city causing untold chaos and damage. Ha. I treated maps with such respect haha.

When I was younger I was convinced that my family consisted of secret ninjas because all the TV shows I watched had something like super powers, vampires or something surreal therefore my logical conclusion was that they were keeping it from me. (sneaky and very ninja like, bows after clang).

As a child I knew for a fact that clouds were made of snow which was this glorious substance that I only saw on tv. In my understanding, playing in snow was the pinnacle of urbanization. So I asked my aunt to scoop me a handful on her next flight and put it in a flask for me so I would experience it. Imagine my disappointment whenever she came empty handed. Her lack of effort was inexcusable at that point. I was inconsolable.

I attempted to make a ... Uh jet plane as a kid with nails, planks of wood, wheels from a toy car and a motor from a remodeled (read ripped apart) remote control car. Sigh, always a dreamer.

I then lowered my ambitions and turned my nailed boards into a go kart of sorts with some unpropotionally small LEGO wheels. It didn't go far before the wheels sourced other positions. Fortunately there is no youtube video recording of my awesomeness as an inventor and I did not live near a steep slope.

just look at the adrenalin, exciting eh?

  I attempted once again to fly off the garage roof with an umbrella much to my father’s chagrin. After a brief moment of being suspended before the umbrella gave way, I believed I had seen the light and decided that a glider was definitely the way to go.

I fashioned a makeshift glider from bits of a plastic um…doll house my mum bought us (4 sons, why she did that lord knows) then launched myself off the garage roof once more clutching my rickety contraption with such zeal that I was almost powering the thing with sheer will. Needless to say, I was not successful as I have no nobel peace prize and did not replace macgyver. Fun times though.

Now they are flooding back faster than i can write, i will expound later, actual work and lack of enough day in my hours conspire against me. Till next time, be well.

pictures from google

How to date 2 (or more) amazing women at once

I have a few friends who often ask me how I accomplished the above when I tell them about my past. More than one asked me if I would write a book that would hopefully help them understand (for their own evil designs I assume). I am such an easy going person that I really don't see what the big deal is. It really is possible for anyone so I will say what worked for me.

Composure - defined by me as maintaining your cool while all else descends into chaos and all around you run amok like headless chickens with their arms above their heads vocally expressing their apprehension to seemingly imminent doom.

Class - unkempt hair, body odours, untidiness, shabbiness, tardiness, bad manners and improper etiquette should be adjectives that are alien to your description. (unless you are an MP then uh... Yeah).

Confidence - in excess, for some but lots of it should be normal for you. (fake confidence is like a house of cards, honesty is key). Bursting into dance when the energy seizes you on the street should be Childs play for you.

Charm - body language, posture, poise, tone, speed of speech, contextual adaptation and finally eloquent communication all define what needs to be PART of you, seamlessly integrated into your being. Watch an old James bond movie if you have absolutely no clue.

Fortitude - stay the path. It's quite impressive how many critics appear when one attempts to achieve the perceivably impossible.

Step 1 some amount of insanity is needed. Not the kind that gets you hospitalized for talking animatedly to pineapples in a supermarket but just enough to enable you to do whatever you want even if that means defying societal expectations.

Step 2 a healthy scratch that, an perceivably unhealthy amount of confidence that possibly causes your audience to roll their eyes and raise their eyebrows involuntarily often.

Step 3 you need to be attractive (obviously) if you have no idea how to achieve this I suggest you pull the plug on this. It involves so much detail and I really don't have the time.

Step 4 in my opinion some rudimentary knowledge of girls and thing that make them happy. No no, not chocolates and flowers, those are absolutely useless if you know not what you are doing. (if I'm generous I will expound in another post).

Step 5 most importantly, contrary to popular belief among most men, you need to be honest, painfully. It's surprisingly very attractive.

Step 6 you want to look at yourself in the mirror at some point, just to make sure that your reflection is as crazy as you.

Step 7 I cannot emphasize enough how one must love themselves for it is assured that criticism will come  as unpredictably as uh... Mood swings.

Step 8 Arguably, any girls you pick are fair game (as I say this I can almost see the hair on the back multiple necks rising in protest). Really, I mean it, ANY girls. As long as they are human. It amuses me that soo many would say things like never ever. Ha. Too easy.

I would like to issue a disclaimer at this point. Try at your own risk and for goodness sake please be honest. Betrayal sucks!! At some point I will probably share what I learnt from the experience. Till then be well.

Video games

Below are some definitive terms to help in reading the post and in understanding the awesomeness of video games.

Clenching - an act that is partaken by the potential victim(s) which involves tightening of the butt cheeks in the hope that a goal will not be scored at a vulnerable moment infront of goal.

Nyaksville - king clench.

Heartbreaker - a last minute goal scored just before the whistle is blown at the end of a tied game bringing an end to untold clenching.

Waste - nyaksville... Uh I mean a person who is generally a let down either because of their wastious (see Waste) play or they abscond a summons by the almighty boys council of supreme elder experts (phew) for a game session.

Overhead - a favorite statement of some *cough* nyaksville... Uh a pass through the air that when executed well raises clenching statistics by the opponent(s).

Sortment - a regular result guaranteed when playing against the awesome author, haha. A beating that demoralizes the opponent and sends them away with their tail in-between their legs. Suffered often by the boys from kile but still they talk...

Trojan - a 7 goal thriller with a one sided bias. They are rare, mystical and highly valued. A game with lots of one sided cheers (obviously).

Kichapo - synonym for sortment.

Doubles - a soccer match of two opponents in one team against two others. Requires elaborate team work and synergy.

Game session - self explanatory unless you are nyaksville the waste.

First things first, to clear the air that is. Langata boys rule FIFA and are the champions henceforth forever more. They are the kings of sortment in halo, call of duty and gears of war too. Any objections?? No? Ok, right then. Since we are all in agreement, I will carry on.

Ahem on with the post. I issue a disclaimer at this point, I may digress but I will hopefully nail my point, ha :-). I will demystify the perceivably odd and misunderstood attachment that some men have to video games. Firstly, it's not just jobless men who play these things, vegetating (coined by genius Jeanette) is a worthy and tiring career that takes much time to perfect. But in all seriousness, some of my boys with whom I game are actually gainfully employed or in university and the games never prevent them from achieving what they need to. Ok, I'm done with the serious part. Fun ahead :-).

 Told you :-)

A typically game session usually spawns from a grudge match owed or passionate trash talking (lost art) that irks the listener until the challenge is announced. After getting comfortable amidst trash talk and counter trash talk (includes talking about past wins, threats of eternal domination and descriptions of ass whoopings so severe that some seek their girlfriends for solace), the games begin. Usually the period of the gaming session and dynamics such as doubles or singles are factors decided upon there and then before the battle for bragging rights begins.

There are sore losers in this world, I have been labelled a sore winner :-). All my boys hate to lose to me because of my apparent over the top goal and win celebrations. Pshhht, such bull. Surely a wild dance with a song or two periodically isn't that bad (read EVERYTIME). Sure I explode into energetic fist pumping and laugh with evil glee as my opponents clench but isn't that what everyone does? I'm a great team mate after all, i just happen to know it.

It has been noted by some of my non gaming friends that walking into the room when we are gaming is an experience. As men, our multitasking is non existent thus greetings periodically pass unnoticed and phones ring furiously yet remain unanswered (notice to all girlfriends). In addition to this, there is the noise of jubilation, loud expressions of disappointment and the barked team instruction with the most common being OVERHEAD by said nyaksville.

Haha, sometimes gamers get lost in their worlds

Games truly bring out sides of people you did not know. Quiet and composed individuals suddenly light up and assertively give instructions. The essence of competition exists in every man and this is one of the most amusing manifestations of pure testosterone that I have come across. A loss can be etched deep into the losers mind such that the desire for revenge shines brightly in his eyes. A winner can prance about chest forward with such pride one would assume they have won a war. In some ways, sport and video games are to men what shopping is for women. Harmless fun that sometimes has an uplifting effect like no other.

*for reasons of avoiding his tears, I will not disclose the identity of nyaksville :-) though he is upstanding and quite a guy despite said wastiousness.

Pictures from google images