Dates to Drinks

When I was younger I remember having such curiosity about the mysterious substance known as alcohol. I was simply overflowing with eagerness to sample this almost forbidden fruit. I could simply not wait to see what it was all about. In fact, I remember on one occasion we had some fresh juice that fermented and that evening mum making a joke about how it must be so ripe that one would get high off it. This is my chance I thought brilliantly, I had found a loophole. I immediately offered to get rid of the juice with my own plans in mind. Oh the joy I felt because of my said brilliance haha. I snuck off with the stash with big plans of discovery. I dispatched the juice with the necessary speed so as not to get caught and then waited. I stared into the back yard that evening waiting to see heavenly visions, lights, and mermaids even but alas, the only evidence that closely matched all I had heard about alcohol is that I spent quality time after that in the bathroom, sitting upright. I dare say my curiosity was dampened, for the moment.

I miss those days. Where did they go? I know change is inevitable but sometimes the harsh reality seems to surprise me unexpectedly. It almost has the same effect as rain clouds on Nairobians, causing mass panic and mayhem. I'm talking about the dating scene by the way, let me elaborate.

I once heard a story about a young man who awaited his female visitor at a bus stop with a rose flower in his mouth. I hope for his sake that he cut out the thorns. Sadly though, the young man had plans to uh express his physical interest in the girl but word has it that he was blue that evening and so were his balls. Such stories are rather common I hear and they range from cooked meals to expensive dates that end up with some parties suffering untold frustrations and empty beds.

I remember the times when girls were, uh, shall I say more modest. When an encounter with a pretty girl would start with the awkward mumbled hello and a milestone was a first kiss on date number x (where x could be two dates later or sometime in the future depending on the wooing ability of the suitor). I remember watching movies in which a night out meant a good movie, a play, dinner parties or even a night dancing at the disco (nothing like the sex with clothes on that happens today). Back then, it did not really matter how much money a man had, girls looked for real love. I often pondered on the tangibility of this love thing. It was the Holy Grail back then. If you had it, every girl you knew would be green with incurable envy. They would be forgiven for being mean to you.

Was it such a different society then? Have we necessarily gone astray? I think things just change. At some point, women realized they were getting the short end of the stick (pun intended) and decided to put matters in their own hands. Sure sometimes this translates into putting beer in their hands but to some extent these days the ends and the means meet at as the night fades.

I am old fashioned, or at least I understand the underlying principles. Those days, it was acknowledged that sex existed, it just was not used to sell everything from toothpaste to yoghurt. Billboard advertisements did not have cleavage that would cause accidents or shirtless men selling uh, who knows, those ones are not really my kind of thing. So basically, we are trying to find true love in a society that has been strong armed into accepting casual sex, single parenthood and a high divorce rate. It’s quite a task. It is probably comparable to the first creature/amphibian that attempted to walk on land. Who knows what will happen. It is quite a daunting task, I may as well attempt to fashion a pair of wings for myself by gluing together feathers left behind by chickens in a coop. Anyway, all I know is that I’m not going to find a lasting partnership, a life long adventure and someone to grow old with over shots at the bar.

As always, thanks for reading as I grow wiser yet remain good looking. Ha, didn't see that coming did ya?

Have a good one :-)

Girls: Complex or cover?

Girls are complex, right? No man can figure them out because they can barely figure themselves out right? Bull. I do not support this notion and I will explore why in this controversial post.

What in the world supposedly makes girls complex? Is it the fact that each month, estrogen breaks down their neural path ways and progesterone builds them again at the end of their cycle? Is it because their hormones give them significantly more life changes than any man will ever experience? (girl- teen- lady- possibly mother- menopause). Could it be a result of the oxytocin released in their bodies whenever they feed children or take care of their families thus feeling closer to them in that moment? Or could it be the at times inexplicable behavior they exhibit when going through their monthly cycle or meno pause?

All the above are reasons for behavior that would baffle most men. Not me. Given the information above, it is clear that things are not always what they seem. Despite my bold statements, I have never been a girl and neither do I wish to be one but I have always had an interest in them. Something to do with hormones J.

Girls misuse their emotions at times, crying because some men fear their tears, using their periods for bathroom breaks, hiding cheat sheets in their bras sometimes, writing answers on their thighs in skirts, manipulating men who are interested in them to get free things then relegating them to the friend zone at their convenience. I say, surely something must be done eh? No. I think not, hear me out. Everything on this planet that the good lord put us on has a balance. Good and bad, fast and slow, evil and righteous. As Isaac Newton put it, every action has an equal and opposite reaction. It really does apply. The way I see it, leading a certain lifestyle will get you the life it aligns with.

With regard to this issue, men are no better. Some can be described as bad news, to be exact, those who are devastatingly good looking, devilishly charming and smart beyond what is fair. They have the ability to string a girl along for months, years even, then let her go when they want to. They also have their set of excuses ranging from how they got hurt beyond repair in their past to their fears of commitment. Bull, I say again. I'm not saying that these men exist as a counterbalance for manipulative women, but I am saying that everyone gets what is coming to them.

The most important thing I have learnt from this world is that it is balanced, you reap what you sow, hence as I mention all these things, I realize that on this planet, some amount of our future is destined as a result of our current actions so I know that everyone will get what they truly deserve at some point. I could spend my life trying to figure out if women really are that complex, or whether they hide all their intentions behind the veil of being so and get nowhere. The fact remains that everyone is different and no matter what is happening around you, you inevitably choose who you want to be.

I know its been a while, been busy but I promise to put in more effort :-)

Have a good one people

Love and such mushy things (man’s view)

First of all, yuck. Then, imagine fist pumping and manly chest thumping. Yeah, ok, that’s not how men really think all the time but I'm trying to infuse some healthy doses of manliness in this post to excuse some of the mushy things I might say in a bit. I'm a manly man, no chest hairs to prove it but it is what it is. Now that I'm done with trying to convince myself of my obvious manliness, on with the post.

I know some of you approach this post with expectations of some amount of wisdom, knowledge and hope. Cast all these aside, I am a rebellious young man with a thirst for adventure and a few good stories in my past. I have discovered many things by stumbling upon them much like bumping into the coffee table in total darkness then cursing out loud while trying to sooth my throbbing toe. I have no proven formula for happiness as I am yet to be cloned, haha.

So now, ze French seem to know all about zees love, no? how about the romantic Italians? Or the passionate and energetic Spanish eh? Well, I have never been to any of the aforementioned countries yet I claim to have some understanding of the matter at hand, pah, such mindless guessing you might say. I grew up knowing that they (above) were the masters of the mysterious force known as love. The keepers of it even. I often wondered if I would be fit to star in one of their films as an alehandro type (sought by all the women with some noble back story) but alas, I fear my tolerance for nonsense like I see in soap operas is low.

I have seen a girl in love, more than once and fortunately, at least a couple of those times, I was the cause. (applause now,* smiles* ) shocking eh? Yeah, believe me I know. Girls in love are usually soft. They glow like bulbs and have such pleasantness about them that it is almost annoying, when they aren’t fighting their significant others that is. Girls in love have a certain buoyant demeanor about them, almost as if they walk on air like they have jet packs. Men, ok at least the ones I have seen, are different.

Firstly, if a guy is in love, his boys are almost always guaranteed to be the last to know, this probably has something to do with the name calling and flowing jokes that follow but, such moments build a man, Haha. Once in a while, it may happen that a man is coerced by unfair threats by his girl to say such things as I love you back at the end of a call but in the presence of his boys, most guys hunch their shoulders and speak in whispers in a corner as if they are trying to hide. Despite all efforts, chances are that his boys will usually be calling him names like wuss and whipped and such but will have EXACTLY the same reaction when called themselves. After the conversation, the man in question proceeds to change the subject instantly lest the group turns on him and starts poking fun at him.

Men do not share love stories with other men. Ok, at least the ones I know. We tend to encapsulate it all in vague statements. For example, if a man in a relationship is asked by his friend how they are doing, his answer will probably be a one sentence answer like:

Who, her? Oh, We are good.

or

I'm not so sure how things are going

or

Oh her, we broke up, so uh yeah.

The reason for this you may ask? I have no definitive answer but my guess is a lot in the relationship tends to get past many men hence for some mystically baffling reason, they are usually among the last to know that their significant others are unhappy. I blame this on men’s poor ability to read body language.

This is what I have so far, I will write again about this, sometime though I will add this. Uhh, here is my take on the whole bloody thing 

 Love

A love so pure like a sword forged from pure diamonds, strong and beautiful yet inescapably brittle, priceless and dangerous. A love I fear, a Love that pierces my body and ignites my spirit, inspires my thoughts and lends wings to my emotions such that I conquer the heavens and live in the clouds. A Love that brings me to my knees in awe of all creation and in my part in it, a timeless love, a worthy cause, a life worth living.

Ahem, now if you will excuse me, I have to go and recollect my man points or I will be unable to face my boys this weekend.

Yeah, have a good one

The downside of civilization

I'm frustrated. So frustrated am I that I sometimes growl unexpectedly as I ride home using public transport thus soliciting curious looks but I know I'm just expressing what we all know. I watch television and sometimes I see the life I think I want. That life simultaneously seems so far away that sometimes I wonder if it is still worth pursuing it as a dream. 

 well, maybe not that much.

Thus I live in this ever changing world of ours in which anything is increasingly more possible ranging from acts of stupidity making people famous online overnight and careers that baffle the previous generation (mixologist - bartender in the old days). But somehow, my parent and family believe I should get a good job with steady pay and benefits regardless of whether I enjoy it or not and somewhere in there comes a speech about getting more papers (I don't like school much, yes it's personal)... yada yada yada. What about my needs? *sniffs* am I not allowed to be carefree and rebellious? Can't I go live on some deserted unclaimed island and live off the fish? Basking in the sun and sleeping under a gorgeous moon? Can't I kidnap an attractive (hmmm I wonder where Megan fox is) willing victim with chloroform and explain to her when she wakes that we are desolate survivors of a horrible shipwreck doomed to start our own native tribe of fierce but good-looking modern warriors? Sigh.

I want to do something outrageously fun for a living like a bungee jump course rate expert, sex toy consultant or a video game player assistant and get ridiculous endorsements from companies that supply me with merchandise ranging from a life-long pizza supply to fancy cars just because I look good in them. I keep hoping to stumble upon a wishing well soo deep that my descendants sneeze pixie dust or that I come across a lamp with an uber hot female genie willing to fulfill my uh... Wishes. Yeah. (minds outta the gutter, I don't like my house overpopulated).

Totally my career path, pure adrenalin.

To console myself I often blame 'the man' for not being born with a silver spade in my mouth or into royalty cause I clearly have the looks for it. So I think 'the man' can stick it somewhere where  the sun’s rays should not ideally shine. ( I'm not even sure who this man is but I'm pretty carried away at this point). As I write all this I realize I basically just want to be paid for being me then I realize, I already am. I am payed in time. What I choose to do with it is up to me. I'm having fun being me. I suggest you do the same.

Have a great weekend.

pictures from google

How to date 2 (or more) amazing women at once

I have a few friends who often ask me how I accomplished the above when I tell them about my past. More than one asked me if I would write a book that would hopefully help them understand (for their own evil designs I assume). I am such an easy going person that I really don't see what the big deal is. It really is possible for anyone so I will say what worked for me.

Composure - defined by me as maintaining your cool while all else descends into chaos and all around you run amok like headless chickens with their arms above their heads vocally expressing their apprehension to seemingly imminent doom.

Class - unkempt hair, body odours, untidiness, shabbiness, tardiness, bad manners and improper etiquette should be adjectives that are alien to your description. (unless you are an MP then uh... Yeah).

Confidence - in excess, for some but lots of it should be normal for you. (fake confidence is like a house of cards, honesty is key). Bursting into dance when the energy seizes you on the street should be Childs play for you.

Charm - body language, posture, poise, tone, speed of speech, contextual adaptation and finally eloquent communication all define what needs to be PART of you, seamlessly integrated into your being. Watch an old James bond movie if you have absolutely no clue.

Fortitude - stay the path. It's quite impressive how many critics appear when one attempts to achieve the perceivably impossible.

Step 1 some amount of insanity is needed. Not the kind that gets you hospitalized for talking animatedly to pineapples in a supermarket but just enough to enable you to do whatever you want even if that means defying societal expectations.

Step 2 a healthy scratch that, an perceivably unhealthy amount of confidence that possibly causes your audience to roll their eyes and raise their eyebrows involuntarily often.

Step 3 you need to be attractive (obviously) if you have no idea how to achieve this I suggest you pull the plug on this. It involves so much detail and I really don't have the time.

Step 4 in my opinion some rudimentary knowledge of girls and thing that make them happy. No no, not chocolates and flowers, those are absolutely useless if you know not what you are doing. (if I'm generous I will expound in another post).

Step 5 most importantly, contrary to popular belief among most men, you need to be honest, painfully. It's surprisingly very attractive.

Step 6 you want to look at yourself in the mirror at some point, just to make sure that your reflection is as crazy as you.

Step 7 I cannot emphasize enough how one must love themselves for it is assured that criticism will come  as unpredictably as uh... Mood swings.

Step 8 Arguably, any girls you pick are fair game (as I say this I can almost see the hair on the back multiple necks rising in protest). Really, I mean it, ANY girls. As long as they are human. It amuses me that soo many would say things like never ever. Ha. Too easy.

I would like to issue a disclaimer at this point. Try at your own risk and for goodness sake please be honest. Betrayal sucks!! At some point I will probably share what I learnt from the experience. Till then be well.