The Girlfriend Effect

Ah a good mood, I like these. They make for such awesome blog posts, ha. Now lets do this, ahem.

Sometime last week, my grandfather called to say hi. During the course of the conversation, he asked me if I was married yet as if it is as easy as purchasing airtime. I was rather amused as he launched into a lengthy complaint about how he wants to see his grandkids before his time comes. I have so much respect for this man, he was on the verge of offering me a victim, ha. Good man that, I think deep down he understands the effect that a good woman has on a man. The fabled and mysterious, cue drum roll, Girlfriend Effect.

I notice with great pride that men with girlfriends have a way in which they… up their game. In most cases, you can almost have a before and after picture with such contrasting differences. One of my greatest friends and partners in adult mischief recently got hitched and the changes were significant.

I now believe that there is a way in which someone can spot taken man from some distance. I was playing paintball with my boys last weekend when it hit me. A friend of mine who used to have shaggy hair, clothes selected using the obvious TOP (Top Of Pile, consult a boys clothes drawer) method and mannerisms that place him in the same category as a…uh Neanderthal changed and the difference was shocking. Clean, carefully selected clothes, proper etiquette and neat hair described his appearance. It was like an episode of the extreme makeover. I have to say I approved, I was once there and yes, a girl showed me the light.

So I'm fast gaining unprecedented amounts of respect for women in our society in this day and age. They have began to realize that when it comes to sex, they are not the victims but are willing participants hence a lot of sausaging (if you pardon the pun) in contrast to the traditional and more commonly known chipsing. Thus I have been told by a girl or two that “its just physical for me, I don’t want you catching feelings” Whoa. What just happened. Oh sorry, back to the issue at hand.

Time is a resource that no boyfriend on earth owns. All his time belongs to her. Boyfriends have been known to ask for permission to do trivial things like hang out with their boys, shave their hair or even play and watch sports in successful relationships from time in memorial. Haha, I'm sorry even I don’t subscribe to that. But in all honesty, I have seen with my pretty eyes this very thing I speak of. I have seen girls who understandably want to spend almost every waking minute with their victims… uh I mean men. There is an old war that brews beneath the surface, the girlfriend versus the boys. It is often a position no man wants to find himself in but a battle he inevitably has to face. Until cloning technology catches up with our needs there seems to be no solution in sight.

I just hear these things too, never witnessed

*The bootyspotter 9000 is a legitimate and patented system capable of spotting uh… luscious things from distances that a pre teen knows nothing about. It is a common cause of the love at first sight phenomenon that depends on which direction you approach the booty from. It is also responsible for a number of relationship woes, insecure girlfriends and unexpected slaps for staring. User discretion is advised. The company bears no liability for whatever fire and brimstone that may rain on the user for using the system in the presence of their wife/girlfriend.

Most men are born with software by the name of bootyspotter 9000. Upon entering a relationship, most are required by their smarter halves (see what I did there, hehe) to uninstall this software pronto. Between you and me, mine is still firmly in place, it's just part of my operating system (I will bribe to keep it from my girl *smiles*). This is clearly evident as men with girlfriends have a much more composed way of scanning said booty. I assume that it is an evolution within them so that they do not get the fire and brimstone that comes with being found guilty staring at, if you pardon the pun, different coloured pastures elsewhere.

Ah girls, cant live with em, cant live without them. They are fun though, when you know what you are doing. Play safe.

Eh, ok I have written quite a bit this week, so um, have a great weekend.

I will share a random video with you that made me smile this week, viewer discretion is advised though its an LMFAO video.

Pictures from google

The downside of civilization

I'm frustrated. So frustrated am I that I sometimes growl unexpectedly as I ride home using public transport thus soliciting curious looks but I know I'm just expressing what we all know. I watch television and sometimes I see the life I think I want. That life simultaneously seems so far away that sometimes I wonder if it is still worth pursuing it as a dream. 

 well, maybe not that much.

Thus I live in this ever changing world of ours in which anything is increasingly more possible ranging from acts of stupidity making people famous online overnight and careers that baffle the previous generation (mixologist - bartender in the old days). But somehow, my parent and family believe I should get a good job with steady pay and benefits regardless of whether I enjoy it or not and somewhere in there comes a speech about getting more papers (I don't like school much, yes it's personal)... yada yada yada. What about my needs? *sniffs* am I not allowed to be carefree and rebellious? Can't I go live on some deserted unclaimed island and live off the fish? Basking in the sun and sleeping under a gorgeous moon? Can't I kidnap an attractive (hmmm I wonder where Megan fox is) willing victim with chloroform and explain to her when she wakes that we are desolate survivors of a horrible shipwreck doomed to start our own native tribe of fierce but good-looking modern warriors? Sigh.

I want to do something outrageously fun for a living like a bungee jump course rate expert, sex toy consultant or a video game player assistant and get ridiculous endorsements from companies that supply me with merchandise ranging from a life-long pizza supply to fancy cars just because I look good in them. I keep hoping to stumble upon a wishing well soo deep that my descendants sneeze pixie dust or that I come across a lamp with an uber hot female genie willing to fulfill my uh... Wishes. Yeah. (minds outta the gutter, I don't like my house overpopulated).

Totally my career path, pure adrenalin.

To console myself I often blame 'the man' for not being born with a silver spade in my mouth or into royalty cause I clearly have the looks for it. So I think 'the man' can stick it somewhere where  the sun’s rays should not ideally shine. ( I'm not even sure who this man is but I'm pretty carried away at this point). As I write all this I realize I basically just want to be paid for being me then I realize, I already am. I am payed in time. What I choose to do with it is up to me. I'm having fun being me. I suggest you do the same.

Have a great weekend.

pictures from google

My Nairobi

My first memory of Nairobi is of thika road. I remember being very young, we had just moved into the city from Busia. I was excited as I had never been to the big city. The roads were paved all over and there were houses with stairs. I was bubbling with energy like a soda thoroughly shaken with the top closed. I knew things were going to be different, I could just feel it.

I recall the period in which I was in primary school. Nairobi was different then. I remember the riots that university students would stage without warning and how I loved them for they meant no school. I remember the relative safety there was back then, how I could ask anyone on the street for directions home or even for bus fare if I lost mine at the age of seven. I even walked all the way home a few times (I lived on thika road and attended Nairobi Primary school). There was even a time when the Kenya bus company decided to try providing transport with double decker buses, that was the most amazing thing I had ever seen at the time. I only saw those buses on TV. The fact that I rode at the top more than once was enough reason for me to die happy. I had a potentially irrational fear then though, that I would one day be a victim of the mob justice that would take place seemingly indiscriminately then. I was rather small and had no reason to believe that I looked any different from the victims I saw. Fortunately, such actions were frowned upon and faded into history.

As a teen, I saw the introduction of medium sized buses by the Kenya bus company which I imagine was a wiser business approach than double decker buses that became almost iconic of public transport then. Metro shuttles were everywhere and affordable. I was mugged for the first time then too, at needle point if I recall correctly. A very unnerving affair conducted by a boy about my age who seemed as nervous as me and it was right in the middle of town. I was much smaller than him though so I gave him all my money then. At that age, I developed an interest in video games and they were available at yaya centre and Sarit only. Now it seems like a lifetime ago, so much has changed, for the better. There is a mobil petrol station in parklands that gained sudden popularity then among teens. They would meet and listen to loud music from their cars and party with their peers. I never got to go though, my father had no time for my trivial desire to be cool, haha.

As an adult I still see change, great change in my city. There was a time when we had one major mall, Sarit centre. Now they are many and so easily accessible with the major plague of our current Nairobi being the congestion and the incessant traffic jams. There is so much that is good in this city, the entertainment ranging from ice skating and paintball to plays and periodic concerts like blankets and wine. There is definitely something for everyone. That coupled with the road and housing construction taking place almost everywhere is a sign that we got something very right. Everyone wants to be here.

I have travelled the world and my fair share of places I have seen. I find, though, that none suits me or fits me as well as Nairobi does. I have been to Singapore, Malaysia, china, the United States and even visited our east African neighbours but none has such a mix of all the good things balanced to near perfection. A growing metropolis, a vibrant art scene, rich in different cultures but united as one people on the journey of life in a city that not only protects and houses us but also grows in response to our ever-changing needs.