Please men, behave.

Now I'm a little old fashioned. My mother brought me up to treat girls gently and with respect. Sure, I had to figure some things out for myself but, these were the basics that guide my interactions to date. I fear not every man was blessed with a mother like mine, a heroine.

I recently attended a party thrown in honor of my friend at a night club. I must say that I found some of the behavior I saw on display that night disturbing. It was offensive, no doubt, but in a subtle way. I'm talking about the behavior of the men I saw, ranging from friends to some of the strangers there.

Firstly, when was it acceptable for a man to casually pass his hand over a girls body parts? I have had the misfortune of listening to an argument in which some misinformed men were of the opinion that if anyone dresses provocatively, they are asking for it. I find this notion thoroughly irritatinging. These same men are likely to cause quite a fracas if the person being offended was either related to them or their significant other. I try and give allowance for some situations because of different backgrounds and upbringing but I find trouble with believing that being respectful and practicing good hand behavior is not a basic requirement.

One more way in which I have witnessed men misbehaving is the way in which they shamelessly get women drunk in order to take advantage of them. I find this appalling beyond description. I know women are not victims of sex but rather willing participants. It would therefore behoove a man to let a girl be if she has no interest and stop devising ways to get his goat whether it is by getting her drunk or forcing his way to his end result.

I still don't have any understanding of why it is that men insult women when their advances are turned down. I get the impression that most men believe that a woman should take an interest in them simply because they have showed some effort. They pay no heed to the state a lady is in or even appreciate the fact that most women politely decline their advances at first. I feel like how to treat a lady should be a class taught probably in high school.

The truth of the matter is, women are significantly more perceptive than men will ever be and for this reason, they can see straight through most men's approaches. It is often abundantly clear that most men are looking for sex whether it is to help them with their ego problems or just for fun is what might be unclear. In addition to this, most men have a similar approach. I dare say that I have been on the unfortunate listening end of a number of the worst pick up lines ever (I should compile them). I for some reason always seem to overhear these things. This usually results in predictable uh results. There is no interaction that has ever flourished that began with a cheesy humorless pickup line. I could bet my favorite slippers on that.

At this point, I felt like I should put in a good word or two, to help men get to the path of decency and civilized behavior. It really isn't that hard to treat a woman well, at least I do not think I have ever sprained or hurt anything in doing so. Here are some basics that I thought I would share.

In a bar, if you must approach a girl, please ask the waiter to send her a drink first (yes they do that) the she will get to see who sent it and hopefully, an interesting encounter can begin from there. If she is not interested, let her be.

Secondly, flowers are your friends. Ha, it sounds like a slogan. Anyway, buy girls flowers, friends, your sisters, your mothers, all of them. They aren't that expensive anyway. If that's hard, just one stem, it comes off as very thoughtful. Oh and get them whenever the spirit moves you, it pays to be spontaneous.

The whole of the chocolate industry was founded on the different tastes that women have. There are so many flavours, combinations with nuts, rasins, wafers and what not. Find out which one the women in your life like and distribute generously. It is better to give than to receive after all.

This is specifically for those men who are fortunate enough to have the special attention of one lady in their lives. Women thrive on compliments. Genuine compliments. They glow like bulbs even in bright sunlight. There is such a thing as too many compliments by the way, so find a balance. In addition to these basics, please do her the kindness of telling her how much you appreciate her regularly. Appreciation, I hear, is one of the leading causes of satisfaction in women on the planet. Go ahead, google it. This, in addition to regular quality time will go along way in making men happier, yes I said men. I once read a quote that said something to do with women multiplying whatever it is that you give them. Therefore, if you make them happy, it will be multiplied by the time it gets back to you. Woe into you if you are a dealer in misery and pain. Now that you have it all, please men, behave.

Dates to Drinks

When I was younger I remember having such curiosity about the mysterious substance known as alcohol. I was simply overflowing with eagerness to sample this almost forbidden fruit. I could simply not wait to see what it was all about. In fact, I remember on one occasion we had some fresh juice that fermented and that evening mum making a joke about how it must be so ripe that one would get high off it. This is my chance I thought brilliantly, I had found a loophole. I immediately offered to get rid of the juice with my own plans in mind. Oh the joy I felt because of my said brilliance haha. I snuck off with the stash with big plans of discovery. I dispatched the juice with the necessary speed so as not to get caught and then waited. I stared into the back yard that evening waiting to see heavenly visions, lights, and mermaids even but alas, the only evidence that closely matched all I had heard about alcohol is that I spent quality time after that in the bathroom, sitting upright. I dare say my curiosity was dampened, for the moment.

I miss those days. Where did they go? I know change is inevitable but sometimes the harsh reality seems to surprise me unexpectedly. It almost has the same effect as rain clouds on Nairobians, causing mass panic and mayhem. I'm talking about the dating scene by the way, let me elaborate.

I once heard a story about a young man who awaited his female visitor at a bus stop with a rose flower in his mouth. I hope for his sake that he cut out the thorns. Sadly though, the young man had plans to uh express his physical interest in the girl but word has it that he was blue that evening and so were his balls. Such stories are rather common I hear and they range from cooked meals to expensive dates that end up with some parties suffering untold frustrations and empty beds.

I remember the times when girls were, uh, shall I say more modest. When an encounter with a pretty girl would start with the awkward mumbled hello and a milestone was a first kiss on date number x (where x could be two dates later or sometime in the future depending on the wooing ability of the suitor). I remember watching movies in which a night out meant a good movie, a play, dinner parties or even a night dancing at the disco (nothing like the sex with clothes on that happens today). Back then, it did not really matter how much money a man had, girls looked for real love. I often pondered on the tangibility of this love thing. It was the Holy Grail back then. If you had it, every girl you knew would be green with incurable envy. They would be forgiven for being mean to you.

Was it such a different society then? Have we necessarily gone astray? I think things just change. At some point, women realized they were getting the short end of the stick (pun intended) and decided to put matters in their own hands. Sure sometimes this translates into putting beer in their hands but to some extent these days the ends and the means meet at as the night fades.

I am old fashioned, or at least I understand the underlying principles. Those days, it was acknowledged that sex existed, it just was not used to sell everything from toothpaste to yoghurt. Billboard advertisements did not have cleavage that would cause accidents or shirtless men selling uh, who knows, those ones are not really my kind of thing. So basically, we are trying to find true love in a society that has been strong armed into accepting casual sex, single parenthood and a high divorce rate. It’s quite a task. It is probably comparable to the first creature/amphibian that attempted to walk on land. Who knows what will happen. It is quite a daunting task, I may as well attempt to fashion a pair of wings for myself by gluing together feathers left behind by chickens in a coop. Anyway, all I know is that I’m not going to find a lasting partnership, a life long adventure and someone to grow old with over shots at the bar.

As always, thanks for reading as I grow wiser yet remain good looking. Ha, didn't see that coming did ya?

Have a good one :-)

Girls rule

I had brilliantly written this post before with such flow and wisdom that I doubted my input in the piece then I forgot to back it up and, well, computers. Clearly I rewrote it hoping some of the wisdom would percolate from the dimension I lost it too. Anyway, here goes.

Girls are awesome. I love them, and as a straight man I dare say I love them way more than men, obviously, but please, allow me explain myself. Girls naturally figure out many things light years ahead of boys. It's just the way nature intended it to be. Intuition, reading body language and maturing faster than boys are just some of the indicators of their clear merits. I love being a man, I would have it no other way; being a man has helped me appreciate girls even more.

  When I was a young teen, I remember the lesson in which the teacher was explaining some basic biological differences between us. I was at the age when I started noticing the not-so-flat contours on girl's clothes and I would feel my chest tighten when a pretty girl walked past (accompanied by an embarrassing stir in my loins). The teacher was speaking about how at that age, girls grow faster than boys and certain changes take place. This was an age where testosterone was kicking in and as boys, we wanted to compete with anything for whatever flimsy reason we could, at times, no reason was even required. We competed in terms of speed (touching a girls bum then sprinting away at the speed of light), bravery (touching the same girls bum when she is with her herd...uh I mean friends) and meaningless stupidity (asking the girl for her phone number soon after, haha). 

Given the in-built drive to prove that we were the superior gender (not much evidence supporting this), there were verbal protests at the seemingly ridiculous statement that girls grow faster from some of my classmates at the time (I was quiet as I was a very late developer, read short stuff). At some point, the boys were asked to leave the class because it was time for girl talk. In my mind I knew they were being told the secrets of how to rule the world and I willed myself to momentarily change so I could mingle with them and learn these secrets for myself (to conquer the tri state area muhaha, cough cough ok, I give). Little did I know, I was right, thats exactly what was going on.

At some point in a girl’s life, she will have a talk with an older aunt, a sister, a mother or sometimes in rare occasions a fatherly figure. This talk is about the monthly periods leaning towards caution when relating to boys, pregnancy and the clear difference in the life changes taking place. This was the talk that they were having. I had watched a couple of videos back then about how sex was bad and how it would either cause you to explode unexpectedly or make you lose your mind to endless lust and I was frightened into maintaining my virginity way past the legal age of consent. In all honesty though, I wasn't ready but right there lies the fundamental reason why I have so much love and respect for girls/women. Nature has it such that from the moment a girl has her period, she is able to be a mother, not just physically but her whole mindset changes and her behavior too. I have met girls with children who do a lot more with their time and energy than other people. I was always against the saying that a man should marry a girl who is half his age plus seven. A formula my dad mentioned once to which I scoffed at thinking, there is no way between my earlobes that a same age 'thing' cannot work for me. I knew I was the Clark kent of relationships after all (still working on that, so much kryptonite everywhere).

 The ability to carry a fertilized egg and to deliver it as a fully formed human being, an action with its fair amount of miraculous flair gives women power in terms of who they procreate with and when. Scientists tell us that some of the things that we find attractive in each other are the hard wired defaults that point out viable mates for us. This means that after several generations and including the fact that we are sentient beings, rather than responding to enlarged body parts, flashy colors or bottom wagging, we just like what we do when our brains detect similar wavelengths... Oh wait :-). Thus even in a relationship, to some extent the woman lets the man do many things (some to and with her). Given men's liking of sex and women's ability to withhold it, many clueless men are at their mercy.

Most elected presidents are married. Naturally, it is a relationship like any other thus the woman has control over many decisions though it is not always apparent. Most wise leaders know that their wives always see things from a different perspective in a very helpful way and rely on them heavily for support and some amount of guidance. Great things are always accomplished in teams. Sometimes, a team starts with two. Without women, we are nothing as men. They are us.

Have a good one people.

Break ups

Curse the damn things! If only a pharmaceutical could engineer a pill to help with these situations and call it something like hurtless (see what I did there, clever eh) or something. Then what a wonderful rainbow filled world this would be, right.

I have never been a believer in the therapeutic value of the beer bottle so this is clearly out for me. I have always believed that if I do not attach something positive to life's disappointments then I would end up constantly losing ground because life, she's not always kind. Hence my resolution to work away my hurt in the gym. I can only say, I have seen my fair share of hurt :-).

I often wonder how other people's break ups go. Are they like mine? Do they hurt the same or more? I have seen people react in all sorts of ways to break ups. I have seen those who end up in tears as if they are competing with clouds to those who hold it all in and try to act unaffected. What is the proper reaction anyway?

When I was younger, I always used to think that I could have done better and all. I had little experience then so I looked for every opportunity to learn more. I figured the more I knew, the better placed I would be with regard to my understanding of relationships and my handling of situations. I'm so glad I took the time to learn because sweet lord I know stuff now, so much so that I remain rather unmoved sometimes. I see things coming before they know I have seen them and I prepare for them in the way that suits me best. Selfish sounding, I know, but in all honesty isn't everyone in a relationship in it for themselves?

In all my adventures and with my experience (more quality than quantity), I learnt that in order to be happy in a relationship, one just needs to be aware of what they want, what makes them happy (discovery mostly takes place via trial and error) then they need the strength of character to keep their word. There is also something to be said about communication. It's not so much about the talking but more about the understanding that takes place. Without this, everything crumbles. Remember people, it really never ever is that serious.

Have a good one people